The Dancing Bear

2002-12-13T12:11:00.000-08:00

Quote of the Day

SF Chronicle columnist Jon Carroll points out what ASUC elections have shown time and time again.

"You thought that the Daily Cal endorsement might actually sway voters? Tell me, in your long -- perhaps overlong -- political career, do you know of any Berkeley race that has been won or lost on the basis of a Daily Cal endorsement?"

2002-12-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

Catch the babies!

Personal Record: 825 points.

Post your high score in comments.

Bonus points to anyone who can explain the use of Hitler.

2002-12-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

Berkeley Mayor Tom Bates caught stealing at Saks

Berkeley Mayor Tom Bates was arrested today after attempting to shoplift several suits from the Saks store in downtown San Francisco this afternoon.

The surprising turn of events occurred just hours news sources reported that Bates apologized for stealing Daily Californians during his election.

According to the manager of Saks, Bates was spotted putting several thousand-dollar suits into his Macy's bag.

Security guards confronted Bates and arrested him.

Reached for comment, Bates declared that he was set up.

"The security guards set me up," Bates said. "The courts will exonerate me."

Bates claimed that he was buying the suits for City Council meetings.

Berkeley politicians were speechless when they were informed of the news.

"Uhhhh, let me get back to you," progressive Berkeley City Councilmember Dona Spring said.

Others stepped up in the Mayor's defense.

"I'm sure that the truth will prevail," progressive Berkeley City Councilmember Kriss Worthington said. "He was obviously set up by the security guards."

2002-12-06T21:07:00.000-08:00

Daily Cal scales back to one double-sided page

Facing increasing financial constraints, the Daily Californian has been forced to scale back to a single double-sided sheet of paper.

"Unfortunately, it's something we just have to do to continue providing the UC Berkeley campus with this fine service," Daily Cal Editor-in-Chief Ron-Gong Lin said.

With the collapse of the dot-com industry and the slow economy around the country, the Daily Cal has been slowly cutting back on its size. It will now have news and corrections on the front and sports on the back.

The front page. (www.dailycal.org)

The back page. (www.dailycal.org)

Students reacted ambivalently to the news.

"Really?" asked senior Katie Dixon. "I guess that's fine as long as they keep the crossword puzzle."

2002-12-06T20:43:00.000-08:00

Berkeley Daily Planet goes out of business, residents mourn

The media scene in Berkeley took a major hit today when the Berkeley Daily Planet announced that it has been forced to declare bankruptcy.

"Unfortunately, we were never able to be fiscally successful," a short notice said in what was its final issue today.

Before the news, Berkeley was considered a hotspot for excellent journalism with both the Daily Planet and the Daily Californian.

With the latest City Council hot topic, random AP stories, scintillating ads, and the finest coverage of Berkeley high school sports, the Daily Planet will be missed by Berkeley residents. Some will especially miss the op-ed section.

"Whenever I was feeling bad, I could always read the letters to the editor and feel better about myself," local resident Ian Chaffee said.

Others shrugged off the news.

"I guess I'll start having to use the Daily Californian to pick up the dog crap," John Deek said.

2002-12-06T19:50:00.000-08:00

Local man dangles baby outside window
News Analysis: No one cares

A local man was recently seen by neighbors dangling his baby outside the window for several seconds.

A few days later, he was also seen leaving his house on crutches due to a spiderbite.

Despite the two incidents, no one cared.

"Uh, what's the problem," asked one neighbor when she was questioned about the two incidents. "I don't think it's particularly weird."

The neighborhood did not express any concern about the two incidents.

"I know the man," said another neighbor. "He's a good guy. He's not a freak like Michael Jackson or somebody."

2002-10-01T19:51:00.000-07:00

Gov. Davis to BAMN: "Stop sending me petitions!"

In a surprise move today, Gov. Davis took a break from his re-election campaign to deliver a pointed message to a UC Berkeley student group known as BAMN.

"Listen, Mr. Jeffrey, I get the idea," Davis said. "Please stop sending me petitions. Berkeley students care about diversity. Okay, can we move on? Thank you."

Davis reacts to latest petition.

BAMN -- a group devoted to reversing the decrease in underrepresented minorities on college campuses -- has often used petititions to get its message across.

Davis' outburst came about after receiving a box full of signed petitions for the 126th time in the past four years.

Reached for comment, ASUC Sen. Hoku Jeffrey and leader of BAMN immediately called for a Day of Action to protest the resegregation of schools and to demand an increase in underrepresented minorities at UC Berkeley.

2002-09-25T00:39:00.000-07:00

Bush to seek ASUC Senate's permission for Iraq war

In a move that stunned political observers across the nation, President George W. Bush announced that he would not seek approval for an Iraqi war from the U.S. Congress. Instead, he will ask for permission from the ASUC Senate.

Citing the need to leave the decision up to young college students because they represent the future, Bush outlined his plan for garnering ASUC approval at a press conference yesterday.

"We have long overlooked the ASUC when it comes to important international issues," Bush said. "Clearly, we must look to the students of UC Berkeley for guidance in this difficult time in the War on Terrorism."

Bush announces his plan to gain ASUC Senate approval for war on Iraq

Asked how he came to the decision, Bush said he "did it all by myself."

Members of Bush's cabinet are now working with the President to finalize his strategy for gaining ASUC Support. Before his speech, Bush plans to call each ASUC Senator.

Bush works on his upcoming ASUC speech with members of his cabinet

In Berkeley, ASUC Senator Paul LaFata has submitted a resolution "In Support of Being Patriotic and Ending Terror Around the World" in order to give ASUC authorization to any military strikes in Iraq.

"9/11 brought about a new world," Bush said. "As I've shown through my Pre-emptive Doctrine, we must be pro-active in stopping terrorism all over the world."

Bush added, "I'm 100% certain that the ASUC Senate will agree."

When asked for comment on the matter, Al Gore immediately broke out laughing.

Stay with the Dancing Bear as this story continues to develop.

2002-09-24T13:29:00.000-07:00

Progressive and Conservative Blogs Agree to Disagree

In a surprising turn of events, a progressive blog and a conservative blog agreed to disagree yesterday.

The latest hot topic was the Racial Privacy Initiative -- an upcoming ballot proposition that will require the removal of race from its statistics.

The Angry Clam, a popular conservative weblog of a former UC Berkeley student, started the debate by declaring his support for it and stating it was a key step towards a race-blind society.

Progressive at Cal, a well-known progressive weblog also based in Berkeley, fired off an angry response with a ten point list of the flaws in the arguments of the Angry Clam and the Racial Privacy Iniative.

Just when the debate looked liked like it would turn ugly as in the past, the two blogs talked in private. According to sources at AOL, the Angry Clam instant messaged Progressive at Cal and said, "Look, why don't we agree to disagree?"

Progressive at Cal replied cheerfully, "Why, that sounds super. Even though you have no idea what you're talking about, I know I can't change your opinions."

"Ditto," said the Angry Clam according to the IM transcript.

The two blogs then agreed to catch dinner and movie sometime soon.

2002-09-23T00:31:00.000-07:00

Academic VP Resorts to Sexual Favors to Change Academic Policy on Campus

According to sources deep within the ASUC, Academic VP Tony Falcone is willing to do anything to make Berkeley a better place for Cal students.

"From what I hear, Tony has been going around California Hall and Sproul paying 'visits' with high level administrators," the anonymous source said. "And these visits haven't been about academic policy, if ya know what I'm saying."

ASUC Academic VP Tony Falcone

Falcone refused to be interviewed for the story.

The source alleges that Falcone has been engaged in a sexual type of quid pro quo in order to accomplish his goals. Some in the ASUC would not be surprised if the allegations proved to be true.

"Falcone would do anything to make Cal more student-oriented," ASUC Senator Cliff Costa said. "It's sick but I'm not surprised."

According to numerous people within Eshleman Hall, Falcone has left many clues on his sexual escapades.

One eyewitness alleges that Falcone had been hiding sexual hints within his memos. One such memo gave feedback to a member of the Academic Senate about the New Academic Plan.

At the end of the memo, Falcone allegedly wrote, "I'm available to talk about this in person whenever you like. Feel free to call my cellphone 24-7 and I will be at your door within 30 minutes."

In addition, a custodian found a silk thong under his desk two nights ago.

Reached for comment, Student Action signatory Wally Adeyemo said, "Well, I guess you can add those administrators to our DONE list."

2002-05-07T02:31:00.000-07:00

Berkeley Daily Planet Receives Coherent Letter, Treading Carefully

The Berkeley Daily Planet received a coherent letter with an intelligent, thought-out argument on Tuesday. The letter offered reasonable solutions to the city's traffic woes, while respecting all sides of the issue.

Editors were at a loss as to how to deal with the unique correspondence.

"We're holding off on publication for now," said editor Devona Walker. "One, we're not sure if this was really written by a Daily Planet reader, and two, if we do publish, we're not sure how our readers will react."

Walker also said since the Daily Planet received a letter that could be actually understood, copy editors would need to take more time than usual proofing the letter before it could be published. It is the common practice of Daily Planet copy editors to insert random typos into articles and letters to keep readers entertained through deadeningly predictable, but often unclear, writing.

The writer of the letter, Berkeley resident John Shea, explained the method to his madness: "Um, I just had a main argument, thought up some supporting points for that argument, and occasionally illustrated those points with evidence. There really wasn't more to it than that."

The Daily Planet will reprint letters from Will Youmans and Dona Spring until the situation is resolved.

- The Macarena Dancing Bear

2002-05-01T02:44:00.000-07:00

Sen. Noah Kagan Disqualified from ASUC Elections

In a last-minute decision before ballot counting, the ASUC Judicial Council disqualified presidential candidate Noah Kagan from the election for illegal falsification of official elections forms.

Kagan was disqualified for intentionally falsifying his ballot designation, the infamous Noah "16-inch jew cock" Kagan.

Disqualified Presidential candidate Noah Kagan turns out not to be so well endowed afterall.

After Kagan repeatedly claimed that the designation was accurate, Judicial Council Chair Julie Cho escorted the young Senator to the nearest restroom for a closed-door deposition.

When Cho returned, she released the news to a shocked Judicial Council.

"I can confirm that Mr. Kagan falsified his ballot designation," said Cho, "There's no way that thing is sixteen inches."

"Yeah, sixteen centimeters is more like it," added Councilmember Tanya Miller.

In the unanimous decision the Council issued, they wrote, "While it rare that we find it necessary to disqualify a candidate, this is one of those
cases where we believe Mr. Kagan's lies were malicious. We must stand up to protect the voters, not to mention his girlfriends."

Kagan called the ruling "a bunch of horseshit" and vowed to appeal.

"We believe the Council erred in the way they handled this matter," said Student Advocate Alex Kipnis, who is representing Kagan, "For one, there were no witnesses. And even if there were, we contend that Mr. Kagan was not sufficiently excited to represent his true length."

- The Ballroom Dancing Bear

2002-04-20T22:05:00.000-07:00

University of California Decides to Divest from Israel

In a surprising turn of events, the University of California has formally begun the process of divesting from Israel.

The move came in response to a major demonstration last week that called for UC divestment from Israel. Hundreds of students took over Wheeler Hall demanding that UC stop supporting Israel because of its interactions with Palestine. Many were arrested.

“Frankly, it was that protest last week that shut down Wheeler Hall that did us in,” UC President Richard Atkinson said yesterday. “To those in Israel, best of luck with everything else. UC is rooting for you.”

Leaders of Students for Justice in Palestine were thrilled to accomplish this major goal.

“This is exactly what we sought from the University of California,” said one SJP leader. “It’s good to know that disrupting classes is still an effective way to get things done around here.”

Others in SJP were a bit taken aback by the move.

“Honestly, I didn’t expect this to actually work,” said one SJP member who wished to remain anonymous.

What will happen now remains to be seen.

“I don’t know what we’ll do now,” said another SJP member. “I guess I’ll start going to class.”

- The Original Dancing Bear

2002-04-20T19:50:00.000-07:00

Daily Californian Prints Retraction of Retraction

In yet another turn of events, the Daily Californian reported that a famous homeless man known for saying “God Bless You” is indeed deceased.

After initially reporting that a Dwight Leeray had passed away after being the victim of a heinous assault for spare change, the Daily Californian received word that the “God Bless You” man’s name was actually another person by the name of Dwight Bradford and immediately printed a retraction.

Yesterday, it was announced that Dwight’s full name was actually Dwight Leeray Bradford -- hence leading to the confusion.

“You’re fucking kidding me,” said freshman Shawn Choot. “I was looking forward to seeing him again.”

Upon hearing the news, students rushed to rebuild the memorial that had been created when it was first announced that the “God Bless You” guy was dead.

Other students expressed rare disappointment in the reporting skills of the Daily Californian.

“Dude, the Daily Californian is such an awesome student-run paper that serves our campus well,” said senior James Leroo. “It usually does an excellent job with reporting news. I’m beginning to think that I just may not be able to trust everything I read in it. I need a drink.”

- The Original Dancing Bear